The emotional side

I have some thoughts about my painful Sunday. Honestly, there was an extreme amount of tenderness (inflammation, I guess) in every single joint in my body:

Jaws
Neck
Shoulders
Elbows
Wrists
Fingers
Back/Spine
Hips
Knees
Ankles

Somehow, my toes got left out. I'm okay with that.

Patrick and I got to bed really late the night before, like 3 am, and I am the kind of girl that likes to get 8 to 10 hours of sleep each night. I hope I have babies that quickly adapt to that schedule! :) Fat chance, I know. Anyway, I wanted to sleep in, and every time I woke up, I could tell my body was in a lot of pain. So, back to sleep. Patrick would come downstairs to let me know what time it was, accompanied by a tone of voice that indicated his complete irritation that I was still in bed.

It's ten-thirty, Alison!
It's eleven!!!
It's noon!!! You plan on staying in bed all day?!?!?!?!!!!!

So, a little after noon, I finally braved the floor. And it hurt. I hobbled over to my slippers, then hobbled up the stairs like a 90 year old woman. I made some tea then promptly sat my hiney down on the couch where I intended to stay for awhile.

Patrick was very very irritated as he mentioned half the day had been wasted. I think it's something in my blood...we're sleepers in my family. My mom isn't, but one of her sisters is, my dad can be, my oldest brother is, and my sister is. Good hell, we love our sleep! So to me, it's not wasted time. It's the equivalent of sitting in front of the computer for a few hours surfing the web or catching up on my Google Reader.

I intended to move six or so bags of leaves from the back yard to the front yard by the street where the city will pick them up next week, but there was no way I was going to be able to lift those heavy bags and walk each one of them to the front yard. So, I sat on the porch while Patrick mowed the yard.

Still irritated, he gave me a frustrated look as he went back inside, saying nothing to me. I could tell he was not happy with me.

He needed to package up and ship a Model A frame piece that was at the shop where he works, and he wanted my help, so I hobbled back downstairs and put on some jeans and a t-shirt and shoes. My feet weren't happy about the shoes.

We went to the shop where I pretty much just watched him package the long piece of metal. Turned out he didn't really need any help. Then we went to Kinkos/FedEx and had it shipped. Then we went to Circuit City and got a couple things we needed. The whole trip didn't feel very good physically, and emotionally, I felt like Patrick was just upset with me.

We went home and hung out for a bit, then decided to rent a movie. We watched the movie, ate candy, and drank some yummy root beer.

Finally, at the end of the day, I mustered up the courage to ask him what was going on...why he was so upset with me. It was enough to feel like I had been beaten up, feeling like he was mad at me for it made it even worse.

Turns out (and I hope he doesn't get upset with me sharing this) he's not really mad at me. He's scared, worried, doesn't know what to expect or how to cope. His way of dealing with those emotions is to shut down. And, he's the kind of guy who has the attitude that if you don't feel good, you still need to get up and get on with your day...don't let "it" beat you...take control and tell yourself you're fine. I get that...to a point. I also know that if I want to cry when I stand up, it might be better to take it easy. Taking 800mg of Ibuprofen only does so much.

I'm scared, too. I don't like that I'm not even 30 years old and I'm having to deal with an autoimmune disease that isn't going to go away. I hate that we don't have health insurance, so I'm not able to properly address what's going on. I haven't been officially diagnosed, and I know there are some amazing medications that will help a lot. I also know that early detection and treatment is going to make a huge difference in the long run. I see how arthritis has affected my aunt, and I'm really not thrilled about the pain and fatigue and extra care that I'm going to need for the rest of my life.

I like to play softball and racquetball. I love camping and hiking. I want to hike the Grand Canyon many more times with my dad while he's still around. I want to travel. I want to be able to open jars for my kids. I want to be able to pick up my babies and play catch with my kids. All of this stuff will probably be a little bit of a challenge.

Yeah...I'm scared too.

So, not only do I need to take care of the physical "stuff" and my own emotional "stuff," but I also need to have the stamina and faith to help Patrick deal with his emotional "stuff." That's a tall order at this point.

I just figured I'd share this side of the experience, too. I really believe that all things are tied together: physical, emotional, spiritual. They all need care so the whole system, be it a person's body, a relationship, life, etc. will function properly.

Ah, beginnings are so rough. I look forward to things leveling out a bit.